I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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