Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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