I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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