can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
