it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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