She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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