sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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