After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
