So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
