Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
