The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
