i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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