i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
