i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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