I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
