My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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