If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
