she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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