i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
