How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
