sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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