Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
