Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
