These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't deserve a penis
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize