all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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