my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
God, I missed his penis.
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