Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
