I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
