what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
