Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
