Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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