OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
