im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
