I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You are a genius and a whore.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
