Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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