Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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