I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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