Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
