I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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