mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
