Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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