We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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