The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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