if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
