Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
