I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
