I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
