I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
