Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize