Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
