i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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