So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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