forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
