I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
