meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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