help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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