shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
