my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
