im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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