a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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