you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
