Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
