I hope mine doesn't look like that
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As shirtless as possible
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
